Grudges, Letting Go & Filling The Space Left Behind

The problem with grudges is that they never actually serve the “purpose” they were created for. They don’t make us feel better or help us heal, and at the end of the day we’re still just as wounded as we were when the original hurt occurred. We sort of turn it into an object to hold onto as proof that we have suffered, and as a way to rationalize to ourselves and others why this grudge is legit.  It’s the ultimate form of shadow.

It becomes a construct of the mind and eventually morphs into a wall that blocks anything from reaching our heart. It’s an obstacle to healing and ends up depriving us of the very emotions we truly need to tap into, in order to let go.

The thing is, people make mistakes, people change, and hopefully they learn lessons from those missteps and grow. That is the nature of being human.

I know I’ve made all sorts of mistakes with some of my relationships, and unless you personally ask me for an apology, you can’t assume I know the exact nature of every grudge out there directed at me.

You also can’t assume I’ll make my life decisions based on the fear of what your reaction may or may not be, and I won’t worry about something that doesn’t have anything to do with me. You can’t toss your nonsense down at my feet. I’ll step right over it and keep on walking.

Listen, I’m not always right, but I’m not always wrong either.

Honestly, I just want to love my tribe as genuinely as possible.  If I make mistakes and it affects my relationships, I am 100% willing to talk about it and try to make it right.  However if you don’t wish to engage in that exchange, my first priority is me.  Meaning, I will forgive myself 100% for not knowing what I didn’t know before I learned it.

inner conflict

And I absolutely will have learned & grown from it, regardless of whether or not you are aware of the lesson.

I am flawed, yet dependable. I can be fun-loving and I can be curt.  I’m passionate, I hate every sort of injustice that exists, I am empathetic and I am compassionate, I can be pissy af and if you hurt me, the hurt goes deep.

I can only hope my closest people believe in me 100%.  They know that’s me; they know that’s who I am today.   People grow and change and evolve, and then grow again.

“If you know me based on who I was a year ago, you don’t know me at all.

My growth game is strong.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.”

If you’re not acquainted with the facets of my current diamond in the rough, I can’t help you with any grudges you may harbor from the past – that’s your stuff to figure out.

I’ve moved on.

You can unfriend, unsubscribe or otherwise break the tie, but know I’ll refuse to carry or worry about your stuff unless you bring it to my attention – and then at least, it has a chance to become our stuff to work out together. And if I’m wrong I will apologize sincerely and wholeheartedly.

At the core, all any of us want is to love our favorite people as completely as possible with all their flaws, strengths & silly, beautiful traits that make them uniquely special to us.

No one is perfect and no one is above making mistakes – not me, not you.

My wish is that you realize it’s finally time to just let go of any grudge between us, even if we’re not meant to re-connect at a deeper level.

Let it go so something beautiful and perfect can come into your life and fill the space it leaves behind.

 

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Raising Your Abundance Vibe: It’s Science

My income flow was kicking my butt.  How in the heck was I supposed to grow my business when I’m living client to client, not able to invest back into the studio?

I had to change something, and as I typically do, I turned the mirror back on myself.   “What am I bringing to the table?”, I asked myself.  “What is my part in this”?

Once I started thinking about it, I felt the need to break it down and analyze it all:

  • What are my subconscious beliefs about money?
  • What programming runs un-checked through my current mindset?
  • What actions do I even take in my life to support being prosperous?
  • How much do I subconsciously stop myself from “receiving” on a daily basis?

I wasn’t going to just slay my demons, I wanted to dissect them and find out what they’ve been feeding on.

“I mean, shit just got serious ‘cuz now you’re messin’ with my money.” ~ Me

What I Believe 

See, I firmly believe the body is composed of energy, and within that energy are blocks formed by our self-limiting beliefs. These blocks need to be identified and healed in order to clear the way to receive whatever it is we are lacking in our lives.  In this instance, I seemed to be blocking a consistent flow of income from my business based on one or more of my subconscious self-limiting beliefs. And they were crafty little suckers too.  Once I figured out what they were, it was on to the next question.

What Programming Runs Un-Checked?

I had to get very clear on what I didn’t know.  Once I set the intention to figure it out, the path opened up with surprising ease.  The resources  I needed suddenly appeared everywhere: articles, blog posts, etc.  Eventually I found my way to a website that helped identify what my specific beliefs were about having, while offering all sorts of tools to help change the beliefs that weren’t subconsciously supporting my desire to be financially secure.

What Actions Do I Take?

Do I have a daily practice of addressing any negative thoughts or emotions? What about positive self-talk? Do I constantly say to myself and others, “I’m broke”, or “I never have any money”?  When faced with a business or personal opportunity, do I immediately dismiss it by saying or thinking, “I cant afford it”, before I ask myself how I can find a way to afford it? Do I let fear stop me from taking a risk, or do I act in spite of that fear and take a leap of faith?

My results are 100% dependent on the action I take in my life, so what was I doing to start doing to support being a prosperous individual?

Fortunately, I decided that I’m actually pretty solid in this area, so that made me happy and encouraged me.  I thought, “Maybe I’m not doing anything to block my own prosperity and the solution will be something quick like an energy clearing or a meditation?”

Yeah, no. Not that easy.

Do I Subconsciously Stop Myself From Receiving?

OK, I was the WORST at receiving! I couldn’t graciously accept a compliment, an offer to pay (for lunch, a drink, etc.) or receive a simple kind gesture without countering with “Oh no, I’m a mess”, or “Oh no, I cant let you pay for this, but thank you”.  I was always rejecting something in some form or another. I subconsciously pushed away that which was being offered.  If I couldn’t accept a simple compliment, how was I to accept anything else? I was rejecting the energy of acceptance, and it was affecting my ability to be a vibrational match to the frequency of receiving.

I simply wasn’t in a receptive energy.

Sigh.  I didn’t even want to think how this was affecting my life in other areas.

I’ll share all that one day…

I Dug Deep

Ok, so once I had it it all splayed out and pinned down like a science class frog, I took a closer look.

With a microscope.

I dug really deep to resolve the cause of my self-limiting money core beliefs, instead of simply just addressing the issues they cause. I wanted to know HOW my self-limiting and subconscious money energy affected my finances.

I realized my self-limiting beliefs about money kept me stuck in the same old financial situations and experiencing the same old triggers, causing me to make the same old choices and experiencing the same old outcomes.  This nonsense had. to. stop.

So I used my mad-skills in core work and my intuitive abilities to change my money vibe to the frequency of flow, abundance, prosperity… and wealth.

Yes, I said wealth – because a girl can’t build her dream Wellness & Retreat Center without a little cabbage in the bank.

Raising my prosperity vibe was contingent on changing the frequency of my core money energy and logically embracing the following belief:  I am currently living in a western, capitalistic society that operates on individualism.  Like it or not, until I can move to some amazing Caribbean commune where all my wants and needs are collectively provided for, I must accept that and reject all victimology.  I mean really accept my reality and see it as a challenge to be met and overcome.

In order to vibrate at the same frequency as prosperity and abundance, I have to believe that money is merely energy that can be used to create high vibe/positive situations, or to create negative situations.  See, money itself isn’t good or bad – it’s neutral.  It’s what you do with it that matters, and I think even the most money obsessed among us could agree. I mean, I don’t care about physically having it, as much as I care about what it allows me to do! What good is it if you can’t use it to live the kind of life that makes you (and those you care about) feel happy, fulfilled and content?

It kind of loses it’s reason for existing, no? Yes.

When we set the intention to create a life for the highest good of all the people whose lives we touch, and when we are kind, fair, charitable and generous as we achieve and receive success and wealth – our pursuit then becomes a really exciting and noble adventure! Money energy loses all the bullshit dogma stuck to it. It’s not the root of all evil or any other nonsense you have been taught to believe.

Your energy regarding money and wealth is what determines how much you feel you are capable of receiving and how much you deserve.  When you open to releasing any emotional blocks and work to resonate (from the inside out) at the same frequency as prosperity, that’s the very moment it begins to flow into your life, unhindered and un-blocked.

It’s Universal Law.  About 5 of them, actually.  It’s science.

It’s Time To Embrace What I Love About Being Alone

I am not lonely, I just I spend a lot of time alone with myself.  And while I absolutely and 100% desire the intimacy and friendship of someone I am in love with ~ being alone isn’t a bad thing.

So many societal norms tell us we must be coupled to be happy and successful.  Not true.

Being alone is where we must be ~ before we can arrive at the place that almost guarantees bliss within.

alone

To honor the beautiful space in which I healed, I have to also honor & embrace what I truly love about spending time with myself:

  • My time is my time.  My pursuits are my pursuits and I’m free to drive to Lake Michigan for the day, or spend the entire afternoon sequestered in my creative space writing and working on my programs and workshops.
  • My space is my space.  There’s no one else to leave a mess, misplace things, interrupt my creative flow, or touch my stuff.  It’s all just as I left it, and if I want to leave dishes in the sink all day, I can damn well do it and not feel as if I SHOULD wash and put them away.
  • My thoughts are my thoughts.  I have come to know myself in such a way that I truly don’t know would have been possible with another person in my energy and my life 90% of the time.  I know me.  All of me.  I am accepted and fully loved.
  • Depending on myself also comes with the pride of providing for myself.  I bought this house, I started my own business & grew it to its current level of success, and I gift myself with all the incredible opportunities life provides me. I did it and I trust myself  to give myself everything I will ever need, including love and self-respect.
  • The space to heal.  Four years ago, I turned around to take a look at my past, and all the choices and actions that had brought me that specific point.  I recognized one common denominator within all the bullshit – ME.At that moment, I decided I absolutely HAD to change because my current way of living was simply not going to continue and I only had two choices.  I chose to heal.

    Fast forward four years, and my journey has brought me to a place that feels warm & safe, supportive, abundant, exciting, fun, encouraging, happy and hopeful. All these wonderful emotions I had rarely experienced up to that point – and I arrived at that place by myself. Alone.  But I had done it on my own and as a result of my own tenacity and desire for something different.  Because of a desire to change how I felt about myself and a desire to change my life circumstances.

So many people fear and hate being alone so much that they miss out on the true beauty of the opportunity to slow down, clear your mind, reconnect with yourself and refocus your priorities.  It’s your space to daydream and then set goals for achieving those dreams.

And while I have no idea where the next step on my journey will take me, I’m not afraid, sad, regretful or lonely.  Those moments alone have given me the space to go inward, fix my shit, and come out the other side healed and ready to  welcome in the one who will take my hand and walk beside me, no longer alone themselves.